Khuda ke liye..

I had returned with disturbing thoughts after watching Khuda ke liye.. I felt I needed to do something.. I wondered in which world I am living.. So much was going around me, I was unaffected and so unawre, ofcourse I have read in papers, but never realised those things happen for real..The impact of the movie was within me for a couple of days, but then it dwindled away..

More movies came, Aamir, A Wednesday,New York.. all had similar tales to tell..Incidents like 9/11 ,26/11 occured, I was affected yes, but again, life moves on..I was at CST the very next day like many other "aam aadmi".

Today it has arisen again, I watched Kurbaan..I have never bothered to find out anything more about terrorism, than the fact that people turn terrorists for their long-lost rights, the twists thru which life took them etc etc.. It didn't occur to me ever,read, I consciously didn't bother, that there was one thing common to all these traumas, it was always something regarding a Muslim. I didn't bother because it was hard for me to generalize it like that, I have many friends who are
Muslims, and I have never heard even one of them say, how much trauma their comm face!I have never seen them have any problem just because they have a Muslim name,may be I've never been to the post-9/11-US, or for that matter, even outside India.. I actually don't know why all this hatred and revenge is for.. But somewhere deep down this is scaring me..I went to a Muslim ilaaka today to get my furniture and cant find any reason, but I was disturbed, shit scared to stand there alone..I somehow fled..What/who is responsible for this.. The same me, who has grown up in a Muslim dominated place, who has played with,spent most of my childhood with,friendly n nice people who believe in Islam.. The terrorists who are just a handful of Muslims, see the impact they create in the society. Whose rights are they fighting for? Rest of the Muslims, who live their everyday life peacefully, earning for themselves and their family, and who are suspiciously looked upon everywhere? As Vivek Oberoi says in the movie, this is not what Allah wants.. Khuda ke liye, I wish these acts see an end..

adios.. to a great life..

I just wish this passing stage of my life gives me a lot to ponder on later in life, when am in the normal routine of life, in the hustle of catching a train back to home, just to reach early to my baby and then to cook food for my family, may be I will think of those days when we all used to return from office in car, taking the longest route possible, munching on the vada pav and mirchi from sewri, held up in traffic, still wanting to reach as late as possible, cracking all PJs, eating each others head, cursing Rajiths burps, tolerating Ambulys repeatophobia, helping Rajith to irritate Sowmya and being in the comfort of my dear Saurabh, me just beside him, his palm on top of mine, to change the gear.. Ah, I wish I think about these days then as the sweetest memories of my life, the college or school days were similar, but everyone of us came a long way ahead and the tears of farewell we shed then seem to be forgotten now, nevertheless the friendships, the promises and relations remain.. Somewhere I feel this time its not gonna be like that, yet another farewell may be, but then why do I feel the impact is gonna stay.. why do I feel that these days cannot be replaced.. Life has only improved for me, from school, to college, to now.. I have met wonderful and more wonderful people, have had good and better company around, but suddenly am feeling its all an end now.. Nothing more is in store.. All that has ended..

I may be having lunches and dinners on the table, with the closest people of my life with me, but will I ever get back those lunches I had with them on the floor, newspaper spread, eating like animals, attacking food, grasping from each others plate at the most untimely hours of the day.. Will I have the same thrill of kicking Rajith and running behind Saurabh for protection, when I will play with my kid.. Will I not miss the hours of chatter spent with Ambuly in bus when I listen to songs and solitude and go off to sleep, on the way.. Sowmya and me may be playing host to our guests at our homes, but will it ever be the same as what we together did..Salu may be a serious mom with her kids, but I wonder how can I help but not tell how she was, when she was with us. Breakfasts wont be bread and omelette then, Kuldeep wont be making them too, and there wont be ten of us to have that from 4 plates, still life will be beautiful, but will I be enjoying it as I do now? Movies I will go then too, but the no of tickets will be just two.. How will I not miss the chain mails sent for nothing, other than to pull eachother/pass time in office/choke the network.. How will those chain mails be possible when my day is someones night in that country, my leisure time is someones study time in hostel..

Things will change, wish it never does.. Cant help but accept some changes as life moves on.. Wish my mind knows these too..

Vidai..

Those days I never understood what it was all about.. shaadi ke baad vidai, rona dhona melodrama.. May be all those were nonsense to me.. All that mattered to me was that when you are getting married, when you are entering a phase of happiness, why all this drama for.. All that mattered to me was the love that existed between a couple, the urge to be together, the day both of them wait for..

Today I have different meanings to it.. When am almost there for marriage.. When my name is climbing up the waiting list.. Realisations have struck me.. My perspectives have changed.. I can say it has totally changed in the last 3 months.. May be I needed nothing more than the engagement.. My love has been approved, by parents, by public.. That’s all I wanted.. cos, me and he remain the same, before, now and even afterwards..

Marriage is gonna make a lot of difference, not to the relation between us.. But my relation with others.. I wish I can stop the world from revolving right now, I wish I have a time machine with me.. I wish I can lock and unlock it whenever I want.. I wish these days never end.. These days of togetherness, friends.. and… family too.. And some relations which make no sense to others..

                   

The promises that nothing will change echoes in my ears and mind, but have to accept, it will change.. the bubbliness in me might fade, the responsibilities and roles of a wife, daughter-in-law will take its place.. I wont be a child in that house.. nobody will pet me in that house.. I wont have a brother there to pamper me.. I wont have a mom to listen to my innocent sweet talks.. I wont be a child there, I will have to become a lady.. On whom they all have expectations, which am bound to fulfil. Only thing which will be familiar there will be his love for me.. Which yeah, would be enough to forget the rest of the world.. But will it be possible for me?

That day my brother had told- you are too small for marriage, are you actually ready for it? This question didn’t sound complicated then, but why is it feeling now... why do I feel like being a baby now? Why do I feel like getting all the love and concern? Do all girls experience this, or am I thinking weird? Why do I have a feeling even am gonna cry that day, after my marriage, for my vidai...

Just wanted you to know.. on your bday!

Just after a few minutes, its Saurabhs birthday.. This one is for you Saurabh Bhaiyya, the gift which you tried to guess..

I want you to know,
That you mean a lot to me..
If you ever need a company
A companion I will be..

I want you to know,
That words may be less..
But silence speaks too
When relations are the best..

I want you to know,
That I may be out of many
But you are very special
Today, tomorrow and forever..

I want you to know,
That I will cherish the moments with you
The cuttings, the movies, the lunches, the drives
All that we enjoy together..

I want you to know,
That times will fly..
You will marry, mature and old
But i will remain your sweet lil sis..  :)

I want you to know,
That tomorrow you will
Grow beyond the limits of reach
But dear, always be close to me..

May his soul rest in peace..

I know words wont help.. its all gone now.. he was no-one to me, but even I can feel the sorrow of his loss.. the sorrow of his family, his friends.. Tears fell uncontrollably when I read his orkut profile. Someone had scrapped “hey, are you alive?”.. No dear, he is really not! Difficult to accept? Just like me.. I wonder how his family will see him in that state, his mom who is still unaware that her son is no more, his lil sister who is unaware that her brothers body is being carried across all borders of the world, to reach her. His dad, who must be hiding his tears so that mom wont die of shock.. He must have been a great guy, he was my brothers friend, his ‘veeran’... “A funny little guy with great dreams and living life by the moments.” thats what he wrote about himself in orkut.. All his dreams are no more, his family’s hopes are no more, he is no more.. Why does God do this.. Why did your heart stop dear, when so many people like us where inside it.. Why did you leave your family to a shock of a heart attack?? You talked to them a few hours before you left them? Was it because your heart wanted to hear your moms voice for a last time.. If only she had known that..

Why am I crying like this? If you could make someone who has even seldom talked to you cry, u have any idea how your dear ones are living now?? Please come back dear.. please.. I heard about this on April 1st, I still believe someone fooled me.. Please come back hale and healthy, I want to see you on the tracks again.. your family needs you.. everyone wants you..


P.S : I wrote this just to control my tears by pouring them out here.. Whoever reads this, please pray for his soul.. Its so painful..we might recover later on, but the three others in his family never will.. Please pray for them too..

Tears...

This was written when I was totally low after a quarrel with him. Thought of not posting this, but with your permission dear, Iam.. Something for us to read and laugh later on in life.. :)


Burning I am inside, but still I have a smile on my face..
Will never let you down darling.. perfect couple we will be..
I will hide my tears for that.. may be weep silently..
But in the darkness, the world not watching me..
Leave me alone you said,
But you don’t know dear who is left alone..
In your dreams I live.. and the hopes you gave
You know too the hurdles I faced
Just to be your girl..
Leave me alone you said,
But you don’t know dear who is left alone..
These tears are invaluable my love
Thou you may not know now
Its my heart crying..
Cos its just that which is hurt..
Not me... not me...

A slambook..

Know what, “someone tag me” was my caption in gtalk for some days recently. Even then noone did :(.. Have been seeing this tag float around many blogs for quite some time now, so I took it up!! If I wait for Mr.Dream’r to finish and pass on I guess it will be v late.. waise, its my 3rd day of holiday getting wasted.. Tried to hit the keyboard yesterday night and you can see in the previous post, what I came up with.. couldn’t express as much as I wanted to..

Chalo, so lemme start to spill the beans.. Or may be a good lying trial!! :P


1. Last beverage: Tea! Am a tea freak.. esp the cutting.. I love to drink cutting at the road side with my friends..
2. Last phone call: My mother-in-law, err.. would-be I mean.. I was orkutting, she kept chatting :P
3. Last text message: My Saurabh bhaiyya, he was asking me for a drive, ooo, I love the ride in his car.. right there after this one!
4. Last song you listened to: “tum ho to” dats neha’s hello tune and I called her a few min back..
5. Last time you cried: today!! I saw a mallu senti movie which brought tears to me.. Normally I cry watching movies, imagining what happens if its real!! I have almost forgotten to cry in my life recently! Am soo happy..



HAVE YOU EVER...
6. Dated someone twice: Yes, have been dating my darling so many times now..
7. Been cheated on? Yes, Dad once told me he will buy me chocolate if I did his work and he didn’t.. many other situations too.. Am easily influenced you know :)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes, my neighbour’s baby, he started crying when I went near and kissed him, my friends made fun of me! :(
9. Lost someone special? Yes, this same day, 11 years back.. Will never forget Mar29. First lightning took thankamani auntie away, the first time I saw death close to me..
10. Been depressed? Ya ya.. sometimes I go into that state and take time to come back.. Surprisingly, it will be for no reason..
11. Been drunk and threw up? Never, any doubts on my capacity? He he..


LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12.Blue
13. Red,black
14.White, pink



HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends: Many..

16. Fallen out of love: No.. Never fallen out of “LOVE”

17. Laughed until you cried: Many times..

18. Met someone who changed you: No.. I didn’t have to change for anyone.. Ofcourse I must have improved..

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah.. and I value them a lott

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Many times.. I like that in fact.. If they talk good, I can be happy with myself, if not, then I can let them know that I heard it and embarrass them.. n ya, analyse too..

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Ya, I have .. me, swetha, saju, aishu, tinku used to kiss each other almost everyday in hostel! (on cheeks I mean) And then it turned out like my fiancée is my best friend too.. So, obvious!! :P

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I can count and say may be 15-20..

23. How many kids do you want to have: One and only one.. We are very selfish :)

24. Do you have any pets: Not till now.. But I would love to have a doggie.. Just not having one, cos it will be a punishment for a pet to stay in an apartment.

25. Do you want to change your name: Not at all..Though I don’t like my name, it has given me my identity.. So I will never change..Hope name change after marriage is not a strict custom!

26. What did you do for your last birthday: I didn’t do anything other than cutting a cake.. Friends did the rest, they arranged a party, took me out and there I was in for a surprise.. My darling was already there!! Wow, I loved it..

27. What time did you wake up today: 8 am, very early considering it’s a Sunday. But had promised paav bhajji for friends and kept the word.. Btw, it was good! :O

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Was not getting sleep, so stayed online, got bored, took up something to write, couldn express much, still posted it..(guess, I said it earlier once)

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for : The day to become the bride.. Am dreaming that day for a long time now, but not yet ready for the days after that.. I want my life to continue as it is..

30. Last time you saw your father: In Jan, I had been home for my engagement in Jan.. Mumbai-kerala is not easy dearie..

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Thinking.. will come up with an answer later..

32. Most visited web page: May be orkut.com.. I go and peep into my friends life’s very often :P And yaa, google.com too.

Whats your:
33. Name: Ranjitha

34. Nicknames:Ammu (dats wat he calls me), Ranji (my parents and friends call me), Chakku (my dear college friends call me) and kunjimol (my bro calls me)and yaa Ani too..(Saurabh calls me)

35. Zodiac sign: Taurus

36. Male or female or transgendered: Very much a female..

37. Elementary: Holy trinity school

38. School: Holy trinity school & Kendriya vidyalaya

39. Colleges: The great GEC, (Govt Engg college)Thrissur.

40. Hair color: Black

41. Long or short: Short I guess, dats what my mom says..

42. Height: 5'5"

43. Do you have a crush on someone? No re.. :P

44. Ever been in love?: Continuing in love..

45. Piercings?: have pierced ears.. wanna pierce nose too..

46. Tattoos?: I don’t like tattoos on my skin..

47. Righty or lefty: Righty


FIRSTS :
48. First surgery: Nothing till now, am brought up healthy.. :P

49. First piercing: on the 28th day after birth..They celebrated that day while I cried aloud :(

50. First best friend: Sharija if I remember right, No idea where she is right now! I realised the meaning of real friendship may be in 9th std, and then Sruthi was my best friend.

51. First sport you loved: ha ha, never loved sports, rather am always scared of them!

52. First pet Jimmy, he was my grandmothers pet.. Such a faithful creature.. We went to grannys house once a year and from far he will get our smell and start wagging his tail..

53. First vacation: Ooty, I didn enjoy much.. the first vacation I really enjoyed was Mysore :P

54. First concert: Some in college, but I cant call them real concert, then went for Pankaj Udhaas, Shubha Mudgal.. Sonu Nigam too.. So first is Pankaj Udhaas.

55. First crush: When I sat between two fatties in school.. :P


RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: Nothing.. Am skipping dinner tonight

57. Drinking: Water.

58. I'm about to: finish this off and go on a drive..

59. Listening to: My heart beat.. :P

60. Waiting for: Next weekend.. This one is over :(



YOUR FUTURE :
61. Want kids?: Just one ..

62. Want to get married?: Definitely yes..

63. Careers in mind?: Let them be in mind.. Ya, ambitious I am..



WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
64. Lips or eyes: Eyes

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs.. There is nothing more comfortable than a hug.

66. Shorter or taller: Taller

67. Older or Younger: Older

68. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.

69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice strong arms. On which I can hang on..

70. Sensitive or loud: Loud, sensitive is for gals I feel.

71. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

72. Trouble maker or hesitant: not either.


HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: Never! My kisses are not to be wasted..

74. Lost glasses/contacts: have lost contacts in my address book of the mob fone! :O

75. Sex on first date: We didn’t get that much time.. phew!

76. Broken someone's heart: If people break their heart, I cant help it.. :P since hearts are not made of glass, I think I haven’t broken any! (Sounding cruel, huh?)

77. Has your heart been broken: Nay!!

78. Been arrested: Not by police :P

79. Turned someone down: Maybe.

80. Cried when someone died: ya I do, everytime.. Its very difficult for me to accept anybody’s death, thou not very close.. the very feeling that I cant see that person again in life makes me sad.

81. Liked a friend that is a girl?: Many..


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: Yes

82. Miracles: not really..

83. God: tooo much..

84. Love at first sight: No.. and worse, may be I believe the opposite, even if u don’t like the person in the first sight, you might end up falling in love with him..

85. Heaven: yes.. I have a feeling it’s a white snowy place where u can fly around.. :O

86. Santa Clause: No

87. Kiss on the first date? Yes... its so special..

88. Angels: No.. unless when he calls me!!

89. Devils: No..


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
90. Is there one person you want to be with right now?: Ya, many.. I like my friends around all the time..

91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?: Nope! Ppl say its difficult to manage one alone!!

92. Wanted to kill someone ever? Don’t remember, am non-violent!

93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss?: If only he writes blogs!

94. Committed a blunder and regretted later?: Ha ha .. many.. For that matter who doesn’t commit blunders..

95. Wanted to steal you friend's boyfriend / girlfriend?: Nay, my friends don’t have boyfriends worthy enough to steal..

Associate with someone you know:
96. White: Me, I believe in peace u know!
97. Black: Ambuly, just saw his pic in the black shirt..
98. Pink: My roomie sowmya, for unknown reasons, her nick is pinkie!! :P
99. Red: My dear Anoop.. I mostly see him in red.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths?: No, posting this as “A slambook” :O

So Iam done! Are you ready??