Khuda ke liye..

I had returned with disturbing thoughts after watching Khuda ke liye.. I felt I needed to do something.. I wondered in which world I am living.. So much was going around me, I was unaffected and so unawre, ofcourse I have read in papers, but never realised those things happen for real..The impact of the movie was within me for a couple of days, but then it dwindled away..

More movies came, Aamir, A Wednesday,New York.. all had similar tales to tell..Incidents like 9/11 ,26/11 occured, I was affected yes, but again, life moves on..I was at CST the very next day like many other "aam aadmi".

Today it has arisen again, I watched Kurbaan..I have never bothered to find out anything more about terrorism, than the fact that people turn terrorists for their long-lost rights, the twists thru which life took them etc etc.. It didn't occur to me ever,read, I consciously didn't bother, that there was one thing common to all these traumas, it was always something regarding a Muslim. I didn't bother because it was hard for me to generalize it like that, I have many friends who are
Muslims, and I have never heard even one of them say, how much trauma their comm face!I have never seen them have any problem just because they have a Muslim name,may be I've never been to the post-9/11-US, or for that matter, even outside India.. I actually don't know why all this hatred and revenge is for.. But somewhere deep down this is scaring me..I went to a Muslim ilaaka today to get my furniture and cant find any reason, but I was disturbed, shit scared to stand there alone..I somehow fled..What/who is responsible for this.. The same me, who has grown up in a Muslim dominated place, who has played with,spent most of my childhood with,friendly n nice people who believe in Islam.. The terrorists who are just a handful of Muslims, see the impact they create in the society. Whose rights are they fighting for? Rest of the Muslims, who live their everyday life peacefully, earning for themselves and their family, and who are suspiciously looked upon everywhere? As Vivek Oberoi says in the movie, this is not what Allah wants.. Khuda ke liye, I wish these acts see an end..

adios.. to a great life..

I just wish this passing stage of my life gives me a lot to ponder on later in life, when am in the normal routine of life, in the hustle of catching a train back to home, just to reach early to my baby and then to cook food for my family, may be I will think of those days when we all used to return from office in car, taking the longest route possible, munching on the vada pav and mirchi from sewri, held up in traffic, still wanting to reach as late as possible, cracking all PJs, eating each others head, cursing Rajiths burps, tolerating Ambulys repeatophobia, helping Rajith to irritate Sowmya and being in the comfort of my dear Saurabh, me just beside him, his palm on top of mine, to change the gear.. Ah, I wish I think about these days then as the sweetest memories of my life, the college or school days were similar, but everyone of us came a long way ahead and the tears of farewell we shed then seem to be forgotten now, nevertheless the friendships, the promises and relations remain.. Somewhere I feel this time its not gonna be like that, yet another farewell may be, but then why do I feel the impact is gonna stay.. why do I feel that these days cannot be replaced.. Life has only improved for me, from school, to college, to now.. I have met wonderful and more wonderful people, have had good and better company around, but suddenly am feeling its all an end now.. Nothing more is in store.. All that has ended..

I may be having lunches and dinners on the table, with the closest people of my life with me, but will I ever get back those lunches I had with them on the floor, newspaper spread, eating like animals, attacking food, grasping from each others plate at the most untimely hours of the day.. Will I have the same thrill of kicking Rajith and running behind Saurabh for protection, when I will play with my kid.. Will I not miss the hours of chatter spent with Ambuly in bus when I listen to songs and solitude and go off to sleep, on the way.. Sowmya and me may be playing host to our guests at our homes, but will it ever be the same as what we together did..Salu may be a serious mom with her kids, but I wonder how can I help but not tell how she was, when she was with us. Breakfasts wont be bread and omelette then, Kuldeep wont be making them too, and there wont be ten of us to have that from 4 plates, still life will be beautiful, but will I be enjoying it as I do now? Movies I will go then too, but the no of tickets will be just two.. How will I not miss the chain mails sent for nothing, other than to pull eachother/pass time in office/choke the network.. How will those chain mails be possible when my day is someones night in that country, my leisure time is someones study time in hostel..

Things will change, wish it never does.. Cant help but accept some changes as life moves on.. Wish my mind knows these too..

Vidai..

Those days I never understood what it was all about.. shaadi ke baad vidai, rona dhona melodrama.. May be all those were nonsense to me.. All that mattered to me was that when you are getting married, when you are entering a phase of happiness, why all this drama for.. All that mattered to me was the love that existed between a couple, the urge to be together, the day both of them wait for..

Today I have different meanings to it.. When am almost there for marriage.. When my name is climbing up the waiting list.. Realisations have struck me.. My perspectives have changed.. I can say it has totally changed in the last 3 months.. May be I needed nothing more than the engagement.. My love has been approved, by parents, by public.. That’s all I wanted.. cos, me and he remain the same, before, now and even afterwards..

Marriage is gonna make a lot of difference, not to the relation between us.. But my relation with others.. I wish I can stop the world from revolving right now, I wish I have a time machine with me.. I wish I can lock and unlock it whenever I want.. I wish these days never end.. These days of togetherness, friends.. and… family too.. And some relations which make no sense to others..

                   

The promises that nothing will change echoes in my ears and mind, but have to accept, it will change.. the bubbliness in me might fade, the responsibilities and roles of a wife, daughter-in-law will take its place.. I wont be a child in that house.. nobody will pet me in that house.. I wont have a brother there to pamper me.. I wont have a mom to listen to my innocent sweet talks.. I wont be a child there, I will have to become a lady.. On whom they all have expectations, which am bound to fulfil. Only thing which will be familiar there will be his love for me.. Which yeah, would be enough to forget the rest of the world.. But will it be possible for me?

That day my brother had told- you are too small for marriage, are you actually ready for it? This question didn’t sound complicated then, but why is it feeling now... why do I feel like being a baby now? Why do I feel like getting all the love and concern? Do all girls experience this, or am I thinking weird? Why do I have a feeling even am gonna cry that day, after my marriage, for my vidai...

Just wanted you to know.. on your bday!

Just after a few minutes, its Saurabhs birthday.. This one is for you Saurabh Bhaiyya, the gift which you tried to guess..

I want you to know,
That you mean a lot to me..
If you ever need a company
A companion I will be..

I want you to know,
That words may be less..
But silence speaks too
When relations are the best..

I want you to know,
That I may be out of many
But you are very special
Today, tomorrow and forever..

I want you to know,
That I will cherish the moments with you
The cuttings, the movies, the lunches, the drives
All that we enjoy together..

I want you to know,
That times will fly..
You will marry, mature and old
But i will remain your sweet lil sis..  :)

I want you to know,
That tomorrow you will
Grow beyond the limits of reach
But dear, always be close to me..

May his soul rest in peace..

I know words wont help.. its all gone now.. he was no-one to me, but even I can feel the sorrow of his loss.. the sorrow of his family, his friends.. Tears fell uncontrollably when I read his orkut profile. Someone had scrapped “hey, are you alive?”.. No dear, he is really not! Difficult to accept? Just like me.. I wonder how his family will see him in that state, his mom who is still unaware that her son is no more, his lil sister who is unaware that her brothers body is being carried across all borders of the world, to reach her. His dad, who must be hiding his tears so that mom wont die of shock.. He must have been a great guy, he was my brothers friend, his ‘veeran’... “A funny little guy with great dreams and living life by the moments.” thats what he wrote about himself in orkut.. All his dreams are no more, his family’s hopes are no more, he is no more.. Why does God do this.. Why did your heart stop dear, when so many people like us where inside it.. Why did you leave your family to a shock of a heart attack?? You talked to them a few hours before you left them? Was it because your heart wanted to hear your moms voice for a last time.. If only she had known that..

Why am I crying like this? If you could make someone who has even seldom talked to you cry, u have any idea how your dear ones are living now?? Please come back dear.. please.. I heard about this on April 1st, I still believe someone fooled me.. Please come back hale and healthy, I want to see you on the tracks again.. your family needs you.. everyone wants you..


P.S : I wrote this just to control my tears by pouring them out here.. Whoever reads this, please pray for his soul.. Its so painful..we might recover later on, but the three others in his family never will.. Please pray for them too..

Tears...

This was written when I was totally low after a quarrel with him. Thought of not posting this, but with your permission dear, Iam.. Something for us to read and laugh later on in life.. :)


Burning I am inside, but still I have a smile on my face..
Will never let you down darling.. perfect couple we will be..
I will hide my tears for that.. may be weep silently..
But in the darkness, the world not watching me..
Leave me alone you said,
But you don’t know dear who is left alone..
In your dreams I live.. and the hopes you gave
You know too the hurdles I faced
Just to be your girl..
Leave me alone you said,
But you don’t know dear who is left alone..
These tears are invaluable my love
Thou you may not know now
Its my heart crying..
Cos its just that which is hurt..
Not me... not me...

A slambook..

Know what, “someone tag me” was my caption in gtalk for some days recently. Even then noone did :(.. Have been seeing this tag float around many blogs for quite some time now, so I took it up!! If I wait for Mr.Dream’r to finish and pass on I guess it will be v late.. waise, its my 3rd day of holiday getting wasted.. Tried to hit the keyboard yesterday night and you can see in the previous post, what I came up with.. couldn’t express as much as I wanted to..

Chalo, so lemme start to spill the beans.. Or may be a good lying trial!! :P


1. Last beverage: Tea! Am a tea freak.. esp the cutting.. I love to drink cutting at the road side with my friends..
2. Last phone call: My mother-in-law, err.. would-be I mean.. I was orkutting, she kept chatting :P
3. Last text message: My Saurabh bhaiyya, he was asking me for a drive, ooo, I love the ride in his car.. right there after this one!
4. Last song you listened to: “tum ho to” dats neha’s hello tune and I called her a few min back..
5. Last time you cried: today!! I saw a mallu senti movie which brought tears to me.. Normally I cry watching movies, imagining what happens if its real!! I have almost forgotten to cry in my life recently! Am soo happy..



HAVE YOU EVER...
6. Dated someone twice: Yes, have been dating my darling so many times now..
7. Been cheated on? Yes, Dad once told me he will buy me chocolate if I did his work and he didn’t.. many other situations too.. Am easily influenced you know :)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes, my neighbour’s baby, he started crying when I went near and kissed him, my friends made fun of me! :(
9. Lost someone special? Yes, this same day, 11 years back.. Will never forget Mar29. First lightning took thankamani auntie away, the first time I saw death close to me..
10. Been depressed? Ya ya.. sometimes I go into that state and take time to come back.. Surprisingly, it will be for no reason..
11. Been drunk and threw up? Never, any doubts on my capacity? He he..


LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12.Blue
13. Red,black
14.White, pink



HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends: Many..

16. Fallen out of love: No.. Never fallen out of “LOVE”

17. Laughed until you cried: Many times..

18. Met someone who changed you: No.. I didn’t have to change for anyone.. Ofcourse I must have improved..

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah.. and I value them a lott

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Many times.. I like that in fact.. If they talk good, I can be happy with myself, if not, then I can let them know that I heard it and embarrass them.. n ya, analyse too..

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Ya, I have .. me, swetha, saju, aishu, tinku used to kiss each other almost everyday in hostel! (on cheeks I mean) And then it turned out like my fiancée is my best friend too.. So, obvious!! :P

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I can count and say may be 15-20..

23. How many kids do you want to have: One and only one.. We are very selfish :)

24. Do you have any pets: Not till now.. But I would love to have a doggie.. Just not having one, cos it will be a punishment for a pet to stay in an apartment.

25. Do you want to change your name: Not at all..Though I don’t like my name, it has given me my identity.. So I will never change..Hope name change after marriage is not a strict custom!

26. What did you do for your last birthday: I didn’t do anything other than cutting a cake.. Friends did the rest, they arranged a party, took me out and there I was in for a surprise.. My darling was already there!! Wow, I loved it..

27. What time did you wake up today: 8 am, very early considering it’s a Sunday. But had promised paav bhajji for friends and kept the word.. Btw, it was good! :O

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Was not getting sleep, so stayed online, got bored, took up something to write, couldn express much, still posted it..(guess, I said it earlier once)

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for : The day to become the bride.. Am dreaming that day for a long time now, but not yet ready for the days after that.. I want my life to continue as it is..

30. Last time you saw your father: In Jan, I had been home for my engagement in Jan.. Mumbai-kerala is not easy dearie..

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Thinking.. will come up with an answer later..

32. Most visited web page: May be orkut.com.. I go and peep into my friends life’s very often :P And yaa, google.com too.

Whats your:
33. Name: Ranjitha

34. Nicknames:Ammu (dats wat he calls me), Ranji (my parents and friends call me), Chakku (my dear college friends call me) and kunjimol (my bro calls me)and yaa Ani too..(Saurabh calls me)

35. Zodiac sign: Taurus

36. Male or female or transgendered: Very much a female..

37. Elementary: Holy trinity school

38. School: Holy trinity school & Kendriya vidyalaya

39. Colleges: The great GEC, (Govt Engg college)Thrissur.

40. Hair color: Black

41. Long or short: Short I guess, dats what my mom says..

42. Height: 5'5"

43. Do you have a crush on someone? No re.. :P

44. Ever been in love?: Continuing in love..

45. Piercings?: have pierced ears.. wanna pierce nose too..

46. Tattoos?: I don’t like tattoos on my skin..

47. Righty or lefty: Righty


FIRSTS :
48. First surgery: Nothing till now, am brought up healthy.. :P

49. First piercing: on the 28th day after birth..They celebrated that day while I cried aloud :(

50. First best friend: Sharija if I remember right, No idea where she is right now! I realised the meaning of real friendship may be in 9th std, and then Sruthi was my best friend.

51. First sport you loved: ha ha, never loved sports, rather am always scared of them!

52. First pet Jimmy, he was my grandmothers pet.. Such a faithful creature.. We went to grannys house once a year and from far he will get our smell and start wagging his tail..

53. First vacation: Ooty, I didn enjoy much.. the first vacation I really enjoyed was Mysore :P

54. First concert: Some in college, but I cant call them real concert, then went for Pankaj Udhaas, Shubha Mudgal.. Sonu Nigam too.. So first is Pankaj Udhaas.

55. First crush: When I sat between two fatties in school.. :P


RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: Nothing.. Am skipping dinner tonight

57. Drinking: Water.

58. I'm about to: finish this off and go on a drive..

59. Listening to: My heart beat.. :P

60. Waiting for: Next weekend.. This one is over :(



YOUR FUTURE :
61. Want kids?: Just one ..

62. Want to get married?: Definitely yes..

63. Careers in mind?: Let them be in mind.. Ya, ambitious I am..



WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
64. Lips or eyes: Eyes

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs.. There is nothing more comfortable than a hug.

66. Shorter or taller: Taller

67. Older or Younger: Older

68. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.

69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice strong arms. On which I can hang on..

70. Sensitive or loud: Loud, sensitive is for gals I feel.

71. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

72. Trouble maker or hesitant: not either.


HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: Never! My kisses are not to be wasted..

74. Lost glasses/contacts: have lost contacts in my address book of the mob fone! :O

75. Sex on first date: We didn’t get that much time.. phew!

76. Broken someone's heart: If people break their heart, I cant help it.. :P since hearts are not made of glass, I think I haven’t broken any! (Sounding cruel, huh?)

77. Has your heart been broken: Nay!!

78. Been arrested: Not by police :P

79. Turned someone down: Maybe.

80. Cried when someone died: ya I do, everytime.. Its very difficult for me to accept anybody’s death, thou not very close.. the very feeling that I cant see that person again in life makes me sad.

81. Liked a friend that is a girl?: Many..


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: Yes

82. Miracles: not really..

83. God: tooo much..

84. Love at first sight: No.. and worse, may be I believe the opposite, even if u don’t like the person in the first sight, you might end up falling in love with him..

85. Heaven: yes.. I have a feeling it’s a white snowy place where u can fly around.. :O

86. Santa Clause: No

87. Kiss on the first date? Yes... its so special..

88. Angels: No.. unless when he calls me!!

89. Devils: No..


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
90. Is there one person you want to be with right now?: Ya, many.. I like my friends around all the time..

91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?: Nope! Ppl say its difficult to manage one alone!!

92. Wanted to kill someone ever? Don’t remember, am non-violent!

93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss?: If only he writes blogs!

94. Committed a blunder and regretted later?: Ha ha .. many.. For that matter who doesn’t commit blunders..

95. Wanted to steal you friend's boyfriend / girlfriend?: Nay, my friends don’t have boyfriends worthy enough to steal..

Associate with someone you know:
96. White: Me, I believe in peace u know!
97. Black: Ambuly, just saw his pic in the black shirt..
98. Pink: My roomie sowmya, for unknown reasons, her nick is pinkie!! :P
99. Red: My dear Anoop.. I mostly see him in red.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths?: No, posting this as “A slambook” :O

So Iam done! Are you ready??

all 4 u..

When you say I love you
I know I love you more..
When you say I miss you
I blush, I like it when you do..
When you say tata everytime
My heart leaps out to say please don’t go
When you hold me in your arms
I am sure its the best place to stay..
When we walk hand in hand
I feel your heart beats, all for me....
When you say I look beautiful
I know,cos am made for u..
When you say I can’t live without you
honey pls know, neither do I..

Miss those times..

I miss those times.. The times when we used to hang around in the college gallery, when the rest of the college was attending lectures.. Nothing much to talk, enjoying the breeze, the shade, the silence.. When our hearts spoke to each other.. When we realised our own world.. I miss those times.. at the milma booth beside, the countless pazhamporis u bought for me.. pampered me.. I miss those times, when u waited for me to come out of my class, to sit behind you on your bike and drive on the empty roads.. I felt like a princess, happiness of the whole world was mine... I miss those times, the frequent visits to EFC, where we discussed most of our future, where you took me to dreams.. where you showed me how our life will be.. I miss those times.. when we had nothing else in mind, you in mine and me in yours!! I thank the moment, just that one moment, which made me realise that I can be yours.. Forever and ever..



I miss those times when you were my sole company in class.. such a short time and the extent to which we became close.. I poured out to you, the indifference of other people, how strange I felt at times.. My life had changed and only you could accept that.. I miss those times, when you me and he were like a family, the small trips in car with u behind, my dreams with him I shared with you.. you alone.. I miss those times, with you, our project, seminar, labs, assignments, combined studies.. and one day you became the bride and I missed that too!!


I miss those times... when that small hostel room was not actually small for the 4+1 of us! I miss those times when I was the alarm for all of you in the mornings.. when we took shifts in the mornings to use the bathroom, when we shared the mirror, we exchanged our new tops, when I preferred your opinion about my dress to mine. the everyday walk to college together.. I miss those times, when the single cot was enough for two of us, where we lay down and relaxed, chatting..talking.. laughing..I miss those times, when your bag was mine, my shoes were yours.. and earings!! We had plenty in common.. I miss those times.. when dinner time was together, no matter what!.. Your life was mine, the A-Z I knew.. I miss those times.. the study leaves, the chatters, jokes, laughter, movies, combined studies, birthday gifts, songs, orkut.. I miss those times with you all..


I miss those times too.. when u and I were together all the 8 hours of the day.. when we longed to reach the school.. the company of each other we enjoyed the most. when we listened to long boring classes with novels beneath the desks.. I miss those times.. when our innocence was exploring the world outside.. the little secrets we shared.. the small joys too.. I miss those times.. colour dress only on Saturdays, the lunch boxes we exchanged, the stories we wrote in copy-writing books.. I miss those times, when nothing else mattered to us, the world was silly, just we mattered. and our friends..


This post is dedicated to those few people who were very close to me at some point of time.. Times changed, lives changed.. We shed tears in farewell, but the closeness still persists.. I met new people, made new friends, but the moments I shared with you all are irreplaceable.. I will always miss those times..

P.S: the above lines are not applicable for the person in the first para! :)

25 Random things..

Amith gave me this tag and couldnt resist writing it fast. In fact 25 is less, I could keep on writing on this. Mainly about me, so taking an anticipatory bail, in case u get bored!!


1.I love appreciations, I am the happiest if someone tells I look good, I get unhappy if someone doesn’t notice my new dress... Makes me wonder, if I am dressing up for them!

2.I love myself, I love to see myself in mirror, I don’t miss any reflective surface on the roads, to have a look at myself.

3.I am damn possessive about the people I hold close to my heart... I get jealous if someone else tries to take my position in that persons life and might react strange, really strange

4.I long for attention, I want my dear ones to care for me, talk to me, pamper me.. ALWAYS..

5.I have already found out a name for my baby.

6.I am waiting for the day to become the bride.. like anything..

7.I am crazy about sarees, dressing up traditionally, and wait for such occasions to show off.

8.I believe in GOD, there is nothing I pray which HE hasn’t given me. And I won’t be able to pray for things which I don’t deserve, even if I tell my mind to do so.

9.I am a very open person, I don’t like keeping emotions to myself, I just pour out.

10.I have always wanted to be a good human being and I try my best at it, I don’t keep negative feelings inside, I have good self-control.

11.I am happy with life the way it goes, I don’t crib and I hate people who crib.

12.Anoop is the only person who listens to all my silly thoughts and values them. I owe a lot to him!

13.I love talking to elders, experienced people, and seniors.

14.I am mad over donuts only from “mad over donuts”.

15.I don’t eat much, good food I mean; I eat all crap and put on weight.

16.I always step in other people’s shoes and see life, I like to know about other people, I love reading blogs.

17.I am very shy to dance, I think I am not flexible!!

18.I don’t care from which state in India you come from, but all that matters is you are an Indian, I am proud of my country. Actually, I am proud of anything I am associated with, my school, my college, organization i work for..

19.I get angry very easily, I express anger and then cry! But to people who are not close to me, I don’t express it at all.

20.I am very diplomatic, I agree to others viewpoint, though I don’t change mine. I like to keep people happy. I sometimes feel I should be a politician.

21.Its very easy to make me happy.

22.I dream of big things, but attainable ones, some of them I already achieved.

23.I am very particular about cleanliness, esp. bathrooms & kitchen!!

24.I like social drinking. :D

25.I love listening to music, it takes me to fantasies.. I admire people who sing well..

If you read till point 25, a big thanks to you!!

P.S : Once you finish reading, you can put comments too!!Ref pt 1,4. :)

One more time...

Who would not like to be reborn?? Everyone does.. And the most commonly found answer to “whom do you want to be reborn as?” is myself!! Guess everyone loves thy self as much as I do.. If Kareena had not said it in Jab we met – I could have innovatively disclaimed now – Mein apni favourite hoon!! Haan I am.. But certainly I wish I have something more in my next birth.. Was just giving it a thought, what more would I like to have, and only a few silly demands my mind came up with!! Too contented huh, may be!! :)

1.People who know me know very well that I would definitely want to eliminate this “sensitive” topic from my life forever, atleast in the next birth, if not this!! To put this in a better way, I wish my rate of metabolism is a lil higher next time!! I mean, I could then eat anything, without the fear of putting on tyres and the thus eliminate the torturous situation of being a victim to the mocking from my friends just for the sadistic pleasure of seeing me feel like “an auntie” which I am NOT!! I assure you guys, am not!! Now I seriously should post one of my 4*6 size pic on the blog for proof may be!! Will do, not a worry.. ;)


2.I only wish I had a little more hair on my head, just a little more!! I could have avoided the monthly visits to Dr.Shende and even he could have avoided the close examinations of my head, not that he would like to stop it, I know he will then miss out a potential patient! I am sure I would faint out of agony if I see my vast scalp with scanty hair through the magnifying lens as he does! But still I take all efforts not to succumb to the killer hair fall!


3.I now think of the many technologies I missed out when I was a child.. Know what, I never played computer games in life!! These days I see the techno-savvy kids around, believe me, I know a 7th STD girl who uses google to get her assignments done!! Oh, I realize now, how much I missed google in school, my only tool for survival now!! Why didn’t they come up with ipods and mobiles when we were in school?? The only connection I had with a mobile was when the richest boy in school once brought his dads mobile phone- as big as a pencil box. Technology has no full-stop, so it may naturally be not possible to take a rebirth once all the inventions are done!! So to all the scientists and techies of the world- make it fast ppl!!  We are waiting!


4.This may be weirder, but I want to go to space some day. Now, I have postponed this dream to the next birth! I want to see and explore in the darkness, not in the space shuttles, I want to fly around, no gravity to get hold off me... I want to live there in our own den, take trips to the twinkling stars and planets around and return to our dear earth after the great holiday!


5.There are two things which I have realized in the course of time that they are just not meant for me – they being singing and sports... Sports, I realized on my own and singing, people made me realise! Hope you get the difference here. I want to experience how it feels when I am a sportsperson, a professional I mean... Living, eating drinking sports! Fans following me, jerseys with my face on them.. Its not the popularity I long for, the sense of accomplishment which they get when they win for their country... Ah, what a feeling!! Or a singer may be, (ofcos not both at the same time, sports can wait for the birth after the next) I have already started to pen down the list of songs I would sing for my darling!! Atleast I have to do that much na- considering the extent to which he tolerates my singing now!


6.I want to be born to my amma even in the next birth, giving her all the happiness in life. I wish to become the perfect daughter, fulfill everything she expects...live together happily, with no complaints and regrets... bring only smiles to people around me!


Lot many silly things coming up.. Want to know some of yours too... Many may be common, many wierder!! Would love to read all of them..

If you ask me the priority of the list above, I would definitely say, its in the increasing order!

March 8th 2009

It has just crossed midnight and I suddenly realised its women’s day today! I thought to wish all the beautiful ladies a very happy women’s day, with due respect to all the handsome guys who make them beautiful.. A lady by herself is a thing of beauty, an art of admiration, a resource by talent.. I am, I think, one of the many females, proud to be a female!! I enjoy my womanhood, totally, every percent of it.. I adore the respect, care and love I get being a woman.. I am no feminist here, I don’t fight for the rights of a woman, I don’t stand up and talk for gender equality.. Cos I never had to.. I am blessed with all good men in my life, men who understand the value of a woman! Be it my father, brother, my guy-friends, my colleagues or my wud-be... These men are great, and that’s why I really enjoy being the woman I am today! As a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a colleague, as a partner I got all my freedom, appreciation, encouragement, all that I can ask for!

I just take this opportunity to wish you all a HAPPY WOMENS DAY and salute all the guys for making us feel special!! Thank you.. Thanks a lot.. This day is cos of you..

Examtime.. funtime..

Weekend is nearing and I have already started making plans! No movie this time yaar, sadd... It seems kids have their boards; mamas would sacrifice movies, wont let papas go out too! The marketing is targeted at families of 4 may be, nobody cares
for us or what! After all, we have given 872 examinations in life and now we ought to see movies! Protest apart, am getting flash memories of the exams I gave throughout my life... I don’t remember the first one, it must have been in Lower KG considering the strict academic curriculum in India.. Exam times were always eventful for me.. I enjoyed watching the crowd - searching for exam halls, trying to match their roll no with the ones on the list, borrowing pens, discussing the for-sure questions in the last minute – (oo I love that- u just tell someone “this is a sure one”- and then watch the mugging up speed).It’s all fun really, not forgetting the best part of the exam – copy ing!! Now don’t act innocent, am sure you must have done this atleast once... If not, I would say you didn’t have the guts to! I simply enjoyed taking this risk... A rewind of some of the incidents which happened with me..

Part 1:

Scene – A classroom, 9th STD board hanging outside. Boys and gals sitting in alternate rows (this idea was to reduce the chattering in the class, but this only encouraged it.) The boys cracking PJs, the gals giggling... Half of “Holy killers” on a bench, enjoying the free period. What are the first benchers studying there? Some Moral Science!! OMG is that a subject now, to give an exam? Atleast in HTS it was... The bell rings... The entertainers in the bench just in front snatch exam sheets, pen pencil scale eraser from us...

Arun : Hey, I haven’t studied a word yaar.. U should help ok...
Me : Don’t worry, I will..
Arun : Tilt your paper in my direction and write, I will look back..

I followed his instructions and we were happily writing the exam in synchronization. I would wait for Arun to finish along with me, so that I can turn the page. Friends are precious u know, then, now and ever! All this continued till our HM came to our class, all of us stood up to wish her, had no idea her visit has got anything to do with me! I saw her clutching something in hand, some paper... May be some announcement to make. Finish it off fast lady; I have to complete the crap paper! All in class noticed her walking to our bench- we are 3rd out of 6 benches- the perfect place- last bench is an old concept now, cos even teachers know this tactic- 3rd is the best. I had no clue what was going to happen next. She thrusted the paper in her hand, into mine – it was a carbon paper – and she was fuming with anger! I didn’t need more to understand what’s happening...

HM : Why do you take this much effort to help someone copy? You can just write one more copy and pass on to whomever you want. We will provide you the carbon paper also.
Me: Speechless, head down, sad expression, controlling the laughter!
Arun: Full of guilt cos I am caught, giving the HM- its my fault, please don’t scold her- glances..

End of Part one


Part 2

Scene: A classroom again, converted into examination hall. Everyone outside the hall, last minute discussions, a guy pleading something to a girl newly joined in school. Bell rings. All enter. The above said guy and the gal sits on the same bench, a junior in between. On further observation, 11th std students were clubbed with 8th std students.

People usually learn from mistakes, incidents like the one in Part1 have happened many more times in HTS, many more lectures/advices I have listened to... But tell me, helping a friend is a mistake? I hope I am not getting a “not yet learnt a lesson” look!

That explains, I agreed to Deepak’s pleadings!

Exam starts...Biology paper...
Deepak stares at the question paper for the first 5 min, till I finish my first sheet. Then I keep the first sheet in the shelf below the desk, a little to the right, easily accessible to Deepak across the small girl sitting in between... He keeps it below his paper and copies line by line!! I know re, its difficult to modify the sentences when you are under pressure! 3 hrs about to get over, last 5 min, many started to submit the paper and move out. My last page going on, Deepak’s second last. But then it happened, teacher comes and comfortably settles down on her chair. Hey, did I tell you that we were on the first row and that the shelf beneath was open?? My 10 mark question is on the sheet with Deepak and now how on earth can he return it to me? We made ishhaaras to each other..

Deepak (ishaara) : Don’t worry, I will manage.
Me (ishaara) : Noooo.. Don’t manage anything for gods sake.. Keep it with you.. I will write once more.
Deepak (pointing to the watch) : No time!!

Next moment I see my paper flying in the air. Poor Deepak, it was a dumb spontaneous action, only to help me earn my 10 marks. In the process he didn’t think - Teacher is not blind and she can see the direction in which paper flew. His motive was that I should collect the paper, once it lands on to ground, in the pretext “Oh oh its time for me to tie up all the papers!!” The teacher having already noticed the dumb-sharades between us, could put everything in place... Gone Iam, yet another time!
Thankfully, she was a Hindi teacher, and was shouting in Hindi.. I didn’t mind cos I understood only half of it!!

End of part two


Part 3:

Scene: Govt. Engineering College...

Oh no!! Can we do this later?? :)


P.S : 872 was jus a vague no.. Pls dont start counting!

Just lik dat!

I have a vague memory of me setting the ambition of becoming a doctor.. For all you readers, this doesnt mean that i became an engineer because i didnt get through the Medicine Admission Test.Jus because i didnt even attempt it, i landed up in Govt. Engineering College, Thrissur.. I proudly flaunt my college name anywhere and everywhere though i know there are other premium institutes, with all due respect to them,I say that GEC is nowhere behind!! Cheers to all GEC ians out there!


But the topic here was setting the ambition! ( i know i get carried away by the name of my college..)So I was talking about how a 7 year old wanted to become a doctor when she didnt even know what lungs,liver,nerves were! The only thing she knew was that if she is a doc herself then she need not take her aasthamatic kids out to clinics and wait in the silent long queues watching depressive patients, like her mom did! I swear this reason was more than enough to become a doctor.. The visit to the doc and temple was almost a weekly ritual for us,the only time i get to dress up n go somewhere other than school.



I still consider doctors as the most respected in the society ( after the ever admired Civil serice grads).. But somehow, the desire in me to be Dr.Ranjitha faded when i started realising Biology was 'yuck' and Maths was 'wow' for me! I soon set the target of becoming an Engineer, neglecting the family-ambition of me becoming Doctor.. Not that i knew what Maths has got to do with engineering! Even after 4 years ofengineering I couldn't figure out much about it than its an easy thing to pass and that engineer is the one who is designed to fit in any job, the jack of all trades, but master of none!



Sitting in front of my PC,facing all black telnet sessions of heavily utilised servers which earn in crores, on the desktop, a small gtalk window at the right most corner, and this notepad on which my fingers are hitting, I wonder what an Electrical engineer is doing here! I, with all my modesty admit here that neither I have any idea of how to do a simple wiring or even repair an electric switch, nor I have any interst in doing that, but if it was this which i had to do in my dream job, why did i chose elec engg.?? Since life is an uni-directional process moving fast, taking me through a variety of phases, I have no time to flashback, I know i have to look forward.. MBA might help, but there are the ties of family life, settling, making a home! Pucca Bharatheey naari, you know! :O


Oh please, am NOT frustarted,my job is cool (else i wont be blogging rt here na), just wanted something better.Am glad thou, that I am not in yet another ABC software firm,resting on the benches (you very well know the 'bench' iam reffering to),googling all the news sites which show exaggerating statistics of recession, and waiting for the turn to be laid off.. Am glad I have total freedom here, where I have all the right of 'expression and experimentation'.You have to experience it to know what it is worth..


Chalo,now back to my virtual server room on my desktop.. Real doc nahin to kya, I have to do health check of some servers atleast!! :P And by the way, meet you on the tiny windows of g-talk too!! Take care and have a nice day!!

CCDs Baristas and more...

CCD, Barista, Gloria Jones, Mocha etc... Please excuse this post!!


I have recently started my anti-coffee shops campaign, (hey, wait!! This has got nothing to do with the pink chaddi campaign going on in the country.) so I guess this post is not surprising for all those who know this fact!! But for others, let me explain, I (i.e. me alone) have decided that I wont use the services of all those mentioned above, till a stipulated date, as long as situations and circumstances allow! But I will be happy, if atleast till then am able to stick to this. Reasons? Read on...


I, coming from a small town in Kerala had only heard about this big damn Café coffee day from my friends who had the privilege and fortune of visiting the same, after traveling some 100kms... Yes, the one and only CCD (this abbreviation I learnt later) in Kerala is in Ernakulam and not all gals were lucky enough like Aishu (name unchanged),to sip a cup of coffee from this place. Its not the coffee alone which sounded interesting, they served pastries too, it seems!! Big big ones... 60 Rs a piece...OMG, 60Rs!! For the same thing which we get for 5 Rs in Wimbis?? Quickly came the response from Aishu, the explanation of the pastry, how extravagantly it was frapped, chocolate melting and oozing out of it... How filling it was, that you don't need to have your lunch!! Another catchy thing about this place was the waiters/bearers there!! Oops, I think I used the wrong phrase for them. They are delivery boys, no... Standards higher... They were just like us, studying somewhere, doing this parttime...Impressive, indeed... I wondered if I would ever be able to do that, earning pocket money on my own, meeting new people everyday, making new friends!! Ah, how I longed to sit at that place, taste those pastries, sip coffee!


There was not a long gap between these happenings and my coming to Mumbai... Mumbai welcomed me with a CCD at every corner... Am not exaggerating, its there everywhere. I became aware of the existence of Barista, Gloria Jones, Mocha too... But somehow CCD was more appealing for me, may be because of the pre-assumptions I had about it. And then there is this story of my cousin who got married to a Punjabi kudi whom he met and became friends with, at CCD!! I soon began liking the place too, especially when I was dedicated a sweet romantic song by my sweetheart with a loud announcement to it... I blushed sitting amidst the crowd of smart, fashionable people, still feeling special, in my ordinary kurti & jeans... That's the magic love can do to you with a little help of CCD!! :) I was overjoyed seeing the creamy smiley faces on the brown coffee which made me sip the coffee carefully, not distorting the smiley as long as I could...



Then when did this rosy situation change?? Sooner, I started realizing from my credit/debit card statements that I end up paying quite a big amount ending in 2-3 zeroes, at these places every month... Its not the money alone which mattered, cos I spend many folds extra on shopping and other activities... It's the attitude which bothered me... The attitude of mine & yours... of ours... of the youth as a whole... It is we who promote these shops, paying 100/- for just a coffee.. You may not agree with this, there were many who protested when I expressed this opinion to my friends, most of them being guys... It seems they appreciate & pay for the ambience these shops offer... Ambience refers to the crowd.. err.. the gals, more than the interiors or the lcd... It seems the price they pay is worth it, considering the no of hours they can spend just on one cup of coffee, nobody to shoo you away, chatting amongst your group to glory, needless to say, throwing glances at the smart females on other tables!! I agree to this, totally!! But that's not my priority alright... So why should I?? The company of my friends even I long for, chatting with them I enjoy the most, but not at coffee shops, not anymore.. Am not talking like a philanthropist here, just trying to drive your attention to the fact that there are better things which we can do with that money right now, when you don't have so much responsibility of your family heaving on you...


So friends, am on this campaign.. Are you??

Wish.. I could go back..

Everyone likes being nostalgic, loves to flashback the childhood memories every now and then... It gives great joy, sometimes fills our eyes with tears, just wanting to go back again to those times... Be in the sweet warmth of your mom, shrinking yourself in size to fit on to her laps... Ofcourse mom loves you even now, but that feeling is a different one.. Unforgettable.. In whichever part of the world you are. howmuch ever hectic your life is..


This refers back to 1996, dats when I was in my 6th standard and “responsibilities” came on to my shoulders.. dats when my mom decided she needs to go to work after taking a loooong gap, when she realised she has given enough of her time and care to both her kids, now they can manage themselves on their own!! And yes, we did!! My everyday morning saw the routine duty of filling lunchboxes immediately after brushing my teeth, my brother ironing the uniform and my dad doing the final touch-up for the breakfast which mom finished cooking 90% and went on for a shower... Everything was perfectly synchronised, next is my shower, then bro’s.. By then my mom must have left to catch her bus, almost everyday running, gulping/skipping her breakfast and ofcos after sipping her daughter-made tea.. My next assignment is to tie my hair on my own- which I learnt to do pretty well in course of time!! The first day of moms school, I told her confidently – don’t worry amma, I will manage, I have seen you do it for me everyday, now I can try! Little did I know seeing is not doing.. I took the comb and ribbon in hand, didn’t get any clue how she started!! But I was sure once I get to know the start I can do it!! Helpless, my father stood beside me watching my bro already tying his lace.. We have another 5 min walk to the bus stop!! Missing the bus is a big scary thing then... So the next scene is me standing in the school assembly with a big red nose, explaining to everyone, my sad tale of mom starting to work. Nobody paid much attention thou!! :(


Back home at 4 in the evening, another round of MY tea 4 all, and then cartoons... I remember the adrenaline rush I experienced when the clock ticked 5...Time for mommy darling to reach home and finally am getting someone to tell my school tales of the day.. She comes home with a small plastic bag in hand, which definitely will be some snack for us, but I was more interested in her than the snack.. She listens to all my nonsense sipping the 1 hour-cold tea, rarely showing lack of interest in my words, but I was intelligent enough to understand that she is not listening!! I shout then- Amme, you are not listening!! To the proof of which she has to repeat the sentence I just completed.. In between she keeps on asking my brother – Mone, what happened with you in your class?? How did you spend your day?? – Answer is a silence.. Boys don’t like to talk or they consider all this silly?? Anyways, this made me envious, why always he?? Am compensating for him na!!

Mom used to say I was a good student then.. I just don’t remember that part!! ;) it seems I did all my homework without any compulsion, I was much tensed about my class tests that mom didn’t ever have to remind me to study!! My brother was an intelligent+lazy brain! This combination just meant that mom had to sit near him to study.. The situation at home was tense one fine day morning, Chemistry paper for my brother and mom asking him questions.. Final revision you know!! Smart kid – ie, ME is ready for her paper hiding behind the curtain to watch the tense moments going inside the room.


Mom’s question : Element with ‘Mo’ symbol???

Brother : Cracking his brain to squeeze the answer out of it through his mouth – but unable to..

Me : Wish I knew, I would have helped him.. Cos I cry more when my bro gets beaten!! And then both of us, Oh my!! Wat a drama.. Sweet it was, must admit thou!



Mom waits for some more time and then gives up. She announces to my sweet bro : Mo is Molybdenum!! The emphasis of b and d in moms voice because of the anger was such that I swear the word sounded damn funny to my ears!! (P.S : Try to pronounce this word, the same way keeping in mind the same “tense situation” at home!! ) I started giggling aloud behind the curtains, hearing which my bro couldn’t help it, but laugh out aloud, followed by mom!! All happy, both of us set out for exams!! ;)


Already lost in thoughts.. Tears filling my eyes... Wish I could go back!!!

Mumbai.. Meri Jaan..

U know what?? Ur first blog is like a first movie... Critics give their comments on the premiere and u never know how it is going to be unless they speak out!! My premiere is hence over; n fortunately got some encouraging comments!! Surprisingly, I could do the same thing as Amith did to me!! I have inspired 3 others to blog!! Good 4 blogspot, good 4 them as well!! ;)

Landing home at 8.30 from office is indeed bad... Especially when u sit n relax in office the entire day and just take the pain of travelling the whole of Mumbai (CST to Goregaon is almost a big chunk of Mumbai!!) still it feels as if a great deal of business is accomplished. The hangover persists till u sleep, only to wake up the next day n off to office at 8! Life sounds boring? No way... Lot many interesting things do happen in my life.


There were times when I just took a window seat in the bus n peeped out of my window to see the real Mumbai.- the rockon type as well as the slumdog type!! The irony is that our bus passes thru the best and worst parts of Mumbai in those 2 hours! I dream of owning huge flats like the ones in South Mumbai while the same me thank God for giving me all the luxuries when compared to the lives of people in those Dhaaravi slums.. Yup, dats Mumbai, u see the best as well as the worst here!!


N to see the middle class, just get into the local trains.. Get into the 5:45 BO local 4m Churchgate... Perfect!! You can see the variety- Gujjus, Mallus, Gults, Northies- u wont miss any kind!! All colourful, loud & chattering, but tired- eager to reach their home- shouting and making way for themselves.. It’s a skill u know, to take positions in the train, depending on where to get down, which side what comes, proper planning and co-ordination – commendable!! One may not understand this if he hasn’t travelled in locals atleast once. .. It’s an experience man!!


I remember when I came to know that my posting is in Mumbai – I had changed my caption in orkut – “Into the city of dreams!!” that’s what Mumbai is for many out here... My fav: Shahrukh Khan is one among them. It didn’t prove wrong 4 me ofcourse – just that am on my way to achieve them!! City has shown so many things, ultimately its upto us to imbibe them!! If you are sensitive to the things happening around, I feel you are a treasure. You can make meanings out of anything. You start admiring people of any strata. That’s when you see the joy in the laughs of the people in a row of “double-storeyed slums”;the nearby canal being their free toilets, the overhead lines being their free source of electric power... Sometimes I feel these people are the best housekeepers, when I peep out of my window to see how they have arranged a TV, bed and kitchen all in a room as small as my bathroom!! Ofcos they are the best housekeepers, whom do you think does the house keeping for the busy office-goers or the ultra modern society lady types females? Hence this ratio is invariably required!! I guess another law of nature... Something 4 u to ponder on...

First step.. The first one..

Finally... the first one!!!

Yup, finally i sat down to blog!! But wat?? No idea yet. I remember my blogging inspiration ‘Amith’ telling me "don’t think too much... Jus sit down n write whatever comes to ur mind!!" N u know wat, dats exactly wat he does n i love reading his blogs!! I consider him as an inspiration jus cos, even "Amith" can blog gives me gr8 confidence. he he... :) am sure he will kill me 4 this.

It was the same me 1 year back who didn’t know the meaning of 'blog' and when Saurabh said he reads blog everyday in office to kill time, i innocently asked -blog?? wats dat? i don even know such a thing, hw can i implement this idea to kill time in office?? Of course at that time every1 was jobless in office.. Just joined n no work... Later the same Saurabh became the ‘sab se busiest person’ in office while i still remain jobless!! N dats hw i started reading blogs.. Thanks to Amit he gave me

a few good pages to read!! Even then, our company doesn’t allow me to indulge in the true fun of blogging, as it doesn’t allow me to put comments!! But ofcos yaar, its paying u 25k every month, so no issues i can sacrifice tat much!!

N there is yet another guy whose blogs i read.. Name confidential: cos my roomie has a hi-fi crush on him n she recommended... :) His blogs start 4m the year 2006, i.e., i have around 40+ blogs to read!! Dats a good pastime indeed..

But then sometimes i wonder wats the point?? Am reading some

philosophy/senti/humour some unknown guy wrote, abt his life, his views... will the same thing happen wit my blogs? Y shud ppl b interested in reading some crap which i have in my mind!! Neither do i know gr8 things to impart knowledge nor I have amazing writing skills. Bt i don’t want my writing habit to die off. Dats the only reason am starting to blog.. I remember hw much i enjoyed writing my personal diary every nite b4 going to sleep. I had proudly expressed that in my resume as a hobby!! N the interviewer asked me a hell lot of questions reg this hobby of mine n haan, it really helped me to crack my first interview in life!! See life is so easy, got a job as simple as dat!! ;) He had even recommended "The Diary of Anne Frank" and was sure i ll love reading it, but till now I haven had a chance to read it.

Its another weekend and am idling at home.. 30 days aft the New Year began, still am not working on my resolution much!! I decided I will start reading, after I attended a training on “Improving Communication Skills.” It seems all great ppl who succeed in life got all their knowledge thru reading!! I tried a hand at the Harvard business, Mckinsey Quarter n stuff.. Obviously I didn’t get a word out of them!! ;( The other recommendations by the trainer were very expensive, so I still remain illiterate about how great ppl were made!! Am optimistic thou, its not late, 11 months to go, I can even start now.. Extrapolating my life, where I see myself as one of the topmost officers in a leading company, I ought to do so. Unfortunately, only am able to extrapolate my life this much...Watever!!! Ending my first blog with a dream/hallucination/fantasy!! As my key chain says – Aim for the moon, even if u miss, you’ll land among the starts!! Scientifically incorrect thou!! ;)